5 Secrets to Successful IEP Meetings

I am procrastinating. I am supposed to be preparing for my daughter's early morning IEP and instead, I am writing this blog post.

I got to thinking about what makes an IEP meeting successful and I came up with 5 things I personally strive for when I walk into my child's classroom. Now remember, I have three separate IEP's to pay attention to, so I have a little bit of experience in this area. Just a little.

Secret 1
Always Get A Draft - Yes, you can get a draft of the IEP ahead of time. Its important to ASK for it ahead of time as well.  Teachers are just like you and me and they can get swamped and do things at the last minute, so you want to tell them you would like a draft to review before the actual meeting.  A good time to ask is around the time you get your IEP invitation.  This gives them time to get it ready and get it to you preferably 5-7 days before the meeting. During that time you can review it, highlight it and write down your questions early. Then you can confidently walk into your child's meeting totally prepared like a pro.

Secret 2
Put It in Writing - How many times have you had a conversation with a teacher either on the phone or in person and you swore you asked for XYZ and the teacher said, "sure, yes, no problem," only to find weeks later that XYZ was never entertained, worked on or done? It happened to me more times than I care to remember. Don't dare bring the XYZ (undocumented) conversation up at the IEP meeting. I'm sure you may have received a response similar to this; "ah well, Ms Flamer, I don't remember us discussing that blah blah blah, we are working on this goal." Does this happen to you? Well not anymore, because from now on everything and I mean everything will be in writing. Maybe you don't have time to draft an official letter? No problem an email will do, or my personal favorite, I write it in the communication book and make a copy of it. If  I don't see any movement in a week, my teachers get a call and a reminder and a copy if necessary. This secret can also be entitled "Get In Writing," as you always want to make sure any promises, proclamations and plans the school makes are in writing as well.

Secret 3
Travel in Pairs or More
I learned this the hard way. Little old me walked into the school for a meeting that I thought was going to be simple, quick, and short. I turned into the classroom to see the teacher, the principal, the guidance counselor, the school psychologist, the speech therapist, the occupational therapist, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker. Since this wasn't an official IEP meeting I was only expecting the teacher and the speech therapist. Here were six representatives from the school, who had already discussed what they were going to do with my daughter, ahead of time, with out me, now all talking at me. To say I was just a little intimidated would be an understatement. So from now on I travel in pairs or more. Ambushes are best handled with back up.

Secret 4
I Know its a Pain, but you will Explain
Not all teachers and professionals are like this, but occasionally you will meet the rare arrogant, jackass who gets off on using professional jargon and acronyms like everybody is supposed to know what they mean. A lot of teachers and therapist have had cultural sensitivity training and are aware to not overly tax parents minds with terms they are not familiar with. After doing this for awhile, you do start to understand these terms, but even I, yes I, Miss Know-It All 2013 will ask someone nicely to explain what exactly MDE (Multidisciplinary Evaluation) stands for because sometimes I forget.  As parents, we don't use these terms on a daily basis and its ridiculous to expect us to bring our Special Ed to English dictionary with us every time we meet with our kid's team. So don't be ashamed, if you don't know, but make them explain.

Secret 5
Tell Me Something Good
Yes, I'm talking about the song by Rufus and Chaka Khan (a noted supporter of Autism, I might add). I hate absolutely hate to go into an IEP meeting and hear nothing but what my kid can't do. How bad their behavior is and how difficult it is for them to do AB and C. No, I won't stand for it.  You must "Tell me something good" about my child. If you don't, I will and it will be written in my parent statement that will and must get added to the IEP. Individual Education Programs do not have to be a short story on how behind little Jimmy and Sally are. They can be plans that build on strengths while identifying challenges.  ALL our children have strengths and these things need to mentioned if not promoted throughout the IEP.

These are my 5 secrets that get me through my 3-9 IEP meetings a year. I do have to mention that this year my kids have phenomenal teams and so far I have only been to four if you count the one I am going to tomorrow. For more insight on what goes on behind the scenes check out "What Really Goes on Behind the Scenes of an IEP....."

Please share some of your "secrets" in the comment section, I would love to hear them, I can always add something new to my repertoire.

Down with Normal

normal - conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; regular; natural.

In other words; boring.

Two separate events conspired together to get me to dust off the keyboard and write a post. My life is never without some sort of external drama and this week did not disappoint. I work as a job coach for individuals with disabilities and I was meeting with one of the individuals I work with, describing a possible position to him;

Me - "I think you will like it, there are other people with disabilities there."
Him - "You mean they aren't normal like you and me?"
Me(Laughing) - "They have challenges, like we all do."
Him - "Well what kind of disability do I have?"
Me - "You think differently, but everyone does."

I wanted to tread lightly, as I could not tell if he was joking and if he wasn't, I certainly did not want to insult him. When I got home, I thought about it more deeply. Why should I assume that just because me and the other service providers in this person's life found him to have a disability that he himself would consider himself disabled? Why should I assume that he would enjoy working with other disabled individuals?

Later that day, a Facebook Fr-enemy (its a long story, but believe me its better she is my friend than not!) posted something about how she is always down to support kids with disabilities that can't do normal things like other kids can.  That comment really burned me up. What's normal anyway? Who is she to assume what kids with disabilities can or can't do? The comment was meant to be condescending. I'll pass on any support that comes from a place of pity.

It amazed me that in a few short hours, I could go from the in crowd to an outcast. How odd that I laughed at being included as normal with a person with a perceived disability, but was angered by the pity of a person who sees my children as abnormal because she perceives them with a disability. Context is everything. My kids are extensions of me and if they aren't normal, neither am I.

But, I already knew that.

I have never been normal, I spent most of my early life a member of a cult like church with weird rules and beliefs. At 17, I stopped going to church and decided that I would be normal from that point on. That only lasted a few years.  At age 23, my first born was officially diagnosed with Autism. I was initiated into the new world of disability. Yes, in the world of disability, up is down and left is right. You can expect to be asked all sorts interesting questions about your 3 year old child, like "does he start fires and torture animals?" Nothing against any of you parents who do have 3 year old's who do that, but you must admit, that's not normal. What kind of world was I getting into, where that's an appropriate question?

Without skipping too far down memory lane, I can easily say that the normal path has never been my path. It will  never be the path of my children either. Even if they wanted to be, others will not allow them to be. Just like I didn't allow the individual I work with to be normal.

I think normal is one of those elusive concepts that we all try to sell, but none of us really buys.

Normal is a program, an antiquated mode of social engineering, designed to keep us all striving for something that doesn't really exist.

So what should I do? Form my very own Misfit's group and take on Jem's Holograms?

I think striving for normal does a disservice to our families. Normal is not the same as consistency and structure, which are things that can benefit kids on the autism spectrum. As parents we must be open to creating our own family goals and levels of success. For example one of my goals is to be able to leave my kids home alone at some point. Obviously not an issue for other families with teenagers, but a challenge for mine.

Also appreciate the things so called normal families  have to put up with that yours don't. I am proud to say that I don't have to put up with any sassy back talk from my kids, shopping for gifts and birthday presents is relatively easy and peer pressure is not an issue in our home. We also have a lot laughs and celebrations for things that other people take for granted. I stopped dwelling on all the normal things my kids can't do a long time ago. I accept what they can do and keep it moving.

I learned a very valuable lesson; perception is everything and reality is extremely personal. Sometimes it is necessary to blur the line in between in order to get a true picture of who you really are and what you really believe.